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What happened?
Don't you remember all the fun that we used to have. All the days filled with laughter. It all started with me just wandering in the darkness, trying to catch my breath. Then I saw you, the two of you. Just there outside by your own. At first you didn't seem to mind it. I went up to you, and I told you to go inside and just have fun. Instead you laughed and refused. So I grabbed the two of you, and brought you in. I turned my back, and you were gone. The dance wasn't that great, but I couldn't help but feel happy.
I didn't give up. Then at lunch, I'd sit with you, and eat with you. I'd laugh at how little you ate, and you'd laugh at how much I ate. You would make fun of me, and I would enjoy it. Alas, the trip came to an end. A few days later, I was just browsing your profile, and I decided to say 'hey'. I brightened up when you asked to add me on MSN, to talk a bit more. Of course I nodded in agreement.
Things just went from good to better. We would talk and talk. Sometimes, I would just wait on my computer for you to log in. So we could just go on, and talk and talk. At school, you got more opened. Once in a while, you'd hit me and laugh. I'd laugh back and cry back to you; pathetically. Then we would go on, and do whatever, just hang out. Just enjoy the day.
The drama came, and others came too. We slowly started to speak less, and at times it would leave me all 'hollow'. Sometimes I just woke in the morning to talk to you. I remember that time we talked till like 12 AM, talking about just everything, from teachers to music, to religion, to more personal things. You had to go, so you said goodbye. The next day, you didn't come and I was all worried. Just to find out you fell sick that night.
Then they slowly started to take you away, at least she did. She was always with you. Always. You would still talk to me, which reassured me that you hadn't forgotten about me. Then it all went sour. Our grade tipped from side to side with all the drama, people pointing fingers. We just talked about it like as if it was just a joke. I admired you, you did things as if they didn't touch you. Little did I know.
The more I learned, the more I realized I didn't know. You didn't like a lot of people, and you always tried hard to not get involved. You always wanted to belong, and just be like everyone. You believed that in High School, it's always the popular ones, and the not-so-popular ones. You thought that it was all divided, but I showed you it wasn't.
Then I went through my phase, my heart changed. I started to like you, but I didn't act on it, because I was scared of your reaction. I didn't want all of our memories to just fade. From the roller coasters, to the marker fights. So I just acted as a friend.
I introduced you to some of my other friends, and you enjoyed it. So much you started to like him. I didn't understand. Everything he did, I did too, and ten times better, except for that. But you wouldn't like me simply because I was too close. 'Your just the type of guy that seems to always be friends with everyone.' I didn't just want to be a friend. Now I realize maybe I should have.
So you liked him, even though you didn't know that he didn't like you. Then the day came when you asked me who I liked. I didn't want to lie to you, and I had to tell you, because if I didn't you would assume that I didn't trust you anymore. So I told you, and you said thank you for your honesty. Then I told you, I was happy that it was off my chest, and that I was sure that he would like you, only if he knew you liked him. You thanked me, and thanked me, and thanked me. I thought everything would go well. But it didn't. You didn't talk to me for weeks, at school you barely looked at me. I was so excited about seeing you, but you let the awkwardness get between us. Our fun was demolished to risky glances. Our friendship segregated by the awkwardness. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't know what to say. So I sent you a message.
I told you all that I felt, and I just wanted to let you know that I didn't want things to happen the way they did. You saw it, and you responded. You apologized and forgave me, and said you would talk to me later. So here I am waiting. I try to have patience, but it's not coming. I don't want to push, because you would probably not forgive me.
I was so happy, when you replied. Alas, that same day I sprained my knee. I was out of action, but I was happy. I don't know what to say. I really don't so what should I do?So tell me what you want to hear.
Something that were like those years.
I'm sick of all the insincere.
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
I guess in the end I really have nothing to complain about. Things are tough, but it's nothing that is too drastically problematic. Is it worst to never have or to gain and lose? When you never have, you can never feel the loss, which I guess could be more painful depending on how great the thing you gained was. After all, 'the higher you fly, the harder you fall.' I guess you do learn when you lose though. You can either choose to never gain again, or to simply keep on trying. But really when you have nothing, you're really just safe, or at least it seems to you. People may say or do things behind you, but you probably won't notice. But silence kills; slowly. Someone once told me 'I don't know anyone who as a kid, thought to himself, and said, when I grow up I want to do things by myself.' In the end, I really didn't lose anything. I should be grateful. Very grateful.
Remember that year we shone like stars? 2001? No, I think it was 2009 . OH YEAH, IT WAS !
9:41 PM
2009. A great year, that happens to end by my favorite number. A year that shook world, and made it seem to nearly spin out of its axis. A year full of economic problems, disease outbreaks, natural disasters, and much more. More locally, 2009 was a year that was filled with lots of drama, when I come to think of it, but I also think it was filled of knowledge gained by those and tons of memories.
2009 was the year that began my reign of terror. Being the 'black' class 'rapist', winning Spirit Week, which was filled of tons of fun, and winning Ignite through 'terrifying' my classmates. Met lots of great people, and had tons of fun, 10 times more then the drama for sure (well at least for me).
2009 was also the year were I think I learned the most. I learned that getting your voice heard doesn't really matter if people don't feel what's on your heart. After all, words are merely words to the indifferent. I also learned that sometimes people actually don't care what others think, but instead care if these words will mark the people spoken to. 'We are scared of revealing what we fully think in fear that others may not care.' I also learned that I worked a ton, yet didn't get as much done as I should have. 2010 will hopefully be a year of efficiency. I also learned that the expression 'I don't care' is probably one of the most hurtful expressions. Also that silence is usually used as a weapon and not a cure. Angel was right, silence is like death.
2009 was the year that I realized that patience and understanding. Life in someway is like a chess game. Everyone has their own uses and abilities. A pawn cannot act like a rook, and a rook cannot act like a pawn. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, you can't make people change pieces (well you can by exchanging a pawn if it reaches the end of the opposite side, but we're not talking about revival here), it's all about how you play them. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter who is the king, it's all about who did the 'checkmate'. Even so, if you're not the 'hero of the day', you win as a team. So just wait and see when you can use your pawns, because you never know, one day you might rely on them. Too bad that unlike chess, at the end of the day, alas we don't all end up in the same 'box'.
2009 was the year that I realized that bad dreams are worst then nightmares. Some of you might say that bad dreams are nightmares. But to me nightmares are the ones that you wake up suddenly fearful and sweaty. Nightmares will fill you with fear, but bad dreams with shake your heart. I think that a hurt heart is worst then a fearful heart.
2009 was the year that I realized that there are a lot of things that humanity won't change. Why? Because we lack of people that care and are willing to do it, sometimes I believe it's not too hard, it just takes a lot of effort. We're just not willing. Determination is simply but a joke.
2009 was the year that I noticed that the word 'love' is too commonly misused. We all know a person that's good looking, smart, committed. Overall, could accomplish anything. Yet, they are with that guy and at times you can just tell that they are mistreated. The worst part is when you know the guy, and you know that he just wants her for her 'physique'. It disgusts you that things are that way, but I guess 'boys will be boys'. That's too bad, because in 2009, I decided to be a man. I also learned that good guys only finish last because the real girls won't believe that real guys exist.
2009 was the year I realized that volleyball is pretty much one of the best sports that mankind has ever made. Basketball at times is a bit better, but none the less, volleyball is amazing. CCC!
2009 was the year that I realized that a true leader isn't someone that does all these things and people see him and listen to him. Someone that people see everywhere, it's more then that. A true leader is a person that doesn't have to say anything for people to follow them. 'People hear a shout, but they only listen to the whisper.' I realized that even the biggest leaders today follow others. We're all leaders, just in our own ways. I asked myself who's actions affects me the most, and it was funny to find out that that person may not ever even see themselves as a leader.
2009 was the year I realized that everyone struggles. The craziest thing is when you realize that even some people who always look so happy are really devastated inside. I guess that everyone wears a mask, and each one has a different design. I wish everyone could just take it off, just show everything. Everything.
Losing you .
9:36 PM
Ever felt like you lost something. Well not really lost it, you still have it, but it seems like someone is slowly taking it away. Yet, it's not truly yours. You just happened to found it, and you rejoice at your discovery.
As time passes through life's hourglasses, others being to notice your discovery. Some mock you, some will acknowledge it. Before you know it, some ask for it. Trying to not be selfish, you pass it along. Acting indifferent, yet feeling alone. You have thousands of things like that one but if feels like that one is matched by none. Life's not too easy, it's not too hard. Just playing it slow; card by card.
That thing is doing fine, doing better. You still have part of it, or maybe you have all of it. You just feel tired of sharing it. You know it's wrong, so you just go on. A few challenges arise, you overcome them. Still at the end of the day you are everything but complacent. It's funny because everything is fine, yet every thing is wrong. The question is: what's fine, and what's wrong?
Then one day you wake up putting behind a bad week. You start dressing up, and go to the washroom. You clean your face, and stare at yourself at the mirror. Instead of seeing yourself, you see fear. Fear of...you don't even know why you see fear. Everything is fine, but everything is wrong. You continue on, pretending that you are unhampered.
Mysteries and Doubts .
9:31 PM
Looking up to the stars; dumbfounded.
Through the bars of my cage; surrounded.
The door's open, but I can't get out.
Because outside lies mysteries and doubts.
Crawling out of corners, to find you.
And all your dirty faults, it's an adieu.
Goodbye to what might have been; in these lands.
Where true heroes lie dead under the sand.
So let time collapse within these walls,
So let time collapse within these halls.
Waking up to reality .
9:15 PM
He's walking through the city unknown.
Sleeping in his home, all alone.
The room is quiet, but his head's blaring.
It seems to be raining outside. Raining angel tears.
Stuffing his head in his pillows, he goes to sleep.
He wakes up in the morning with nothing, but an unfinished dream.
With a half finished break fest, marching in protest.
Questioning humanity in the process.
Walking along side the sun, with his tie undone.
Getting ready to finish what he begun.
Fliers of dogmas flying by, as rows of crows sit and die.
Flashing his pass. Comfortable in his chair, half asleep.
'I’m a t the top of the top but still I climb.'
Suddenly he wakes up, because he's out of time.
Waiting in the rain, with nothing but a jacket of disdain.
As he arrives at the destination, with a grin of lost determination.
Looking at his feet, looking at his shoes.
'Did you hear?
Yeah, that's old news.'
No one is as crazy as he is .
8:25 PM
Unfortunate circumstances,
From traditional markets and tribal dances,
Yet; no luck, no chances.
Stuck in our own mental stances.
Separated by our own self-protecting fences.
Midnight strikes as we play in the shadows,
Stirring up sparks and fires;
Investigating our own battles.
You eat cats, we eat cattle,
But still riding the same saddle.
So why is it hard to understand,
That the lion asked the lamb to be a friend.
The battles have come to an end,
As we celebrated, our minds sedated.
We welcome a new friend.
A new beginning and a new end.
Slowly taking over your land.
My land is fine, my land is mine.
Lost in the middle of nowhere.
Lost in the middle of no air.
No gas, no respiration.
No dreams, no inspiration.
I got hopes filled with hesitation,
But doubts don't lead to salvation.
Emptied my head, or at least tried.
By trying to give answers I couldn't provide.
I didn't need answers, I needed a stride.
Most of all, I needed a guide.
At first, it wasn't so bad.
Gradually, things got better.
But I still think it's sad,
of how things went from better to bitter.
I was being hit, while you, the hitter,
Struck me out, hit me to glitter.
I shun in your eyes,
Pierced your thoughts,
Scattered your plans,
Scattered your plots.
So here I am blown to pieces,
while you walk by with that theses,
That no one is as crazy as he is.